Talking

Three Tips for Talking About Your Estate Plan During the Holidays

December 19, 2022 By Gratia P. Schoemakers, Esq. Leave a Comment

The holidays are right around the corner, bringing the joyous season of gathering with family and loved ones into full swing. It is the time to slow down, get caught up with loved ones, and enjoy the family and experience quality time around the dinner table. It is also a great idea to take this opportunity to review your estate plan and talk about the topic with your loved ones.

Do Not Be Indifferent

While the entire topic of estate planning can be a touchy subject, covering your eyes about the issue is not good for you or your family. According to a Caring.com survey from 2017, as many as six in 10 Americans do not have an estate planning document put together – like a will or a trust. This is particularly alarming when it is estimated that $30 trillion in wealth is set to transfer between baby boomers and their heirs in the next few years. Accordingly, it is vital that families discuss estate planning well in advance of an emergency or life tragedy – while the eldest members of the family are still physically and mentally healthy. Leaving the topic to chance can result in disastrous or costly outcomes.

Time it Right

Not surprisingly, estate planning is a topic that does not come up in everyday conversation. And randomly informing your loved ones who will get your things when you die or if you become incapacitated will likely damper the holiday spirit.

There are ways, however, to discuss estate planning during this season with grace and tact. Instead, choose or make a time when you and your loved ones can be together and talk within a comfortable, calm, and private environment. Make sure that everyone is relaxed, and distractions are at a minimum, so the conversation stays on track.

In an ideal situation, the parents – or the elders – will bring up the subject. Sometimes, however, they refuse to discuss estate planning. In such a case, children have to broach the subject. Asking where important papers and records are kept is a great start.

Boundaries Are Important

Once you find the time, place, and opportunity for the conversation about estate planning to happen make sure to set down some ground rules. Keep the discussion as transparent as possible, perhaps by having each family member address their thoughts, questions, or wishes and discuss together. Some items that may be on the list to discuss may include:

Notifying them that you have a will or living trust that spells out how assets will be divided when you die or become incapacitated;
Letting them know who will act as the executor of your will or trustee of your trust;
Discussing who will serve as your agent under your financial power-of-attorney and patient advocate under your healthcare power-of-attorney; and
Explaining to your family how to handle any medical or long-term care situations, if necessary.

Bottom Line

While discussing estate planning needs can be straightforward and simple, the conversation can quickly become complicated when personalities clash or emotions get in the way. The main goal is to let your family and loved ones know you have a plan, without needing to go into detail about the plan’s contents. We can help parents and children come together and create an appropriate plan that will meet your family’s short- and long-term estate planning needs.

Tips for Effective and Healthy Communication for Divorcing Parents

September 14, 2020 By Gratia P. Schoemakers, Esq. 2 Comments

The way we communicate is a big part of how we see and deal with the people around us. Most people who file for divorce had a communication meltdown at one point or another. It’s more than usual… when emotions run high, we are stressed out, angry, disappointed, frustrated even, our communication skills usually one of the first things to suffer.

Unproductive communication like yelling, abusive language, name-calling, withholding information, or even shutting down not only complicate the divorce process, it also is unhelpful for everyone involved.

This blog article helps you improve or highlight any lousy communication skills (and it is a skill because we CAN change our communication style).

Although I am not a psychologist, as a Divorce Lawyer, I can tell you that research shows that a Collaborative Divorce process can improve your communication style.

A few tips to get you started would be to:

1) Consider your tone! When frustrated and angry, people fall in familiar patterns of communication, sarcasm, yelling, or even the sound of your voice can lead to ineffective communication. Make sure you speak with respect and talk as if you are talking to someone you like to impress, someone you want to sway your way. See it as a job interview if you must! When you control the atmosphere by creating an open and respectful conversation, and remember harsh tones, hurtful feelings or abuse words have no place in this process.

2) Set boundaries! Decide how often you will communicate with each other. Set the time, duration, and expectations. This will help you avoid acting impulsively, or high on emotions. It will also keep everyone from feeling that there is too frequent or infrequent communication and diminishes any frustration paired with that.

3) Focus on the Issue at hand! Divorces are not easy, and they bring out the worst in us. We are high on emotions. We are frustrated, and sometimes we will lose our tempers, not because we plan to, but because we feel lost, frustrated, or even bitter about the whole process. When we focus on the issues at hand, we effectively avoid all the baggage that we carry with us. The change of “straying” to a different topic due to frustration will be significantly diminished.

4) Use a Mediator or Mental Health Specialist! Having a third party (neutral) professional in the conversation will help highlight our style of communication, it will allow us to understand what the other one is saying. Sometimes we hear but do not understand the other person due to differences in communication style. Having a “translator” helps!

5) Getting a “Vent-Buddy”! If your attorney has not yet recommended it, you should get a Therapist anyways! Divorces are hard; many unpleasant emotions will pop up. Our prior relationship with our spouse causes some, some just of how we grew up. Getting to understand yourself better will help you know your communications style. That said: Do NOT use your kids as a “vent-buddy,” they should not carry your or your exes baggage! Find a friend, a therapist, or even a pet!

6) You are now a co-parent! You are not competitive parenting! Pay attention to what you do and why! Do not let other people drive you to do things that you would not have done in less stressful times!

Please understand that these are just six suggestions to improve your communication style. As with everything, change takes time, every relationship is different, and always put your children first! What we do now will shape our children’s reality and the way they love, communicate, and parent down the line.

If you have any questions about collaborative divorce or another family law issue, GP Schoemakers, PLLC is more than happy to assist; you can reach us at 832.408.0505 or find us on at or schedule your initial consultation here. We’ll help you decide whether it makes sense to avoid probate in your particular case and, if so, the best way to do so. We hope this article has helped you and your family shape a better tomorrow.

Steps for Starting the End-of-Life Conversation

August 23, 2018 By Gratia P. Schoemakers, Esq.

No one wants to discuss death and dying. And yet, it’s a critical time in everyone’s life and one for which we know we need to prepare. While many people have the desire to share their wishes, something is preventing people from openly communicating with their families.

end-of-life memories

As an important part of estate planning, healthcare decisions need to be talked about. This helps preserve your legacy and provide peace of mind for your loved ones. You can rest easy knowing that if they need to act, they are carrying out your end-of-life wishes as you would want.

If you’ve been dreading having this talk with your own parents, children or other family members, there are a number of steps you can consider.

Just Ask

Before launching into this tough conversation, it’s not a bad idea to pose the question “when?” Ask your loved one when they might have time to discuss your estate planning and healthcare decisions. By introducing the topic in this matter, no one is caught off guard and it can help everyone to reflect on what they really want to communicate before sitting down.

Aim for Clarity

Do whatever you can to help make these conversations clear. Write out a list of major points you want to make ahead of time. Be prepared that your family may come with questions they want to ask about—inclusion of family members in the decision-making process, preferences for memorials, etc… Simplicity and clarity can help neutralize the feelings of anxiety that everyone may be having and help everyone walk away from the conversation with the peace of mind they were hoping for.

Don’t Get Sidetracked

This is a tough one. Likely no one really wants to talk about it, or would rather talk about something else. But you’ve got to get through it. So even though the conversation will no doubt be rife with opportunity to reflect, remember and opine, try to stay on task. You want to make sure that everyone walks away from the conversation with a better understanding than when it began.

Keep the Conversation Going

While it may feel like a one-time conversation because it’s emotional, or hard to have if your loved one lives far away, remember that it’s not a one-time deal. You are simply opening the lines of conversation, not setting anything in stone. Remembering this will help empower everyone to be open.

Need Assistance? Give Us a Call

Talking about your end of life decisions can be hard, but it is an essential part of estate planning. If you have any further questions about how to have these conversations or would like us to help facilitate this discussion, please feel free to contact us.

Call or contact us today. We’re here to help.